Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be an actress. However, I never wanted to be a TV actress, or a movie actress. I wanted to act in the theatre and to spend my life in front of people, doing the most natural and the most difficult type of acting; acting live.

And since I was five I have been acting whenever the opportunity presented itself. I acted in elementary school, I acted in high school and I even went to college, studying theatre and focusing on acting. And I haven’t had a single problem until one audition. I have been to a hundred auditions before and I always managed to go through it all, not even thinking about being nervous.

And this day, all of a sudden, I froze. I choked. In fact, there is not a word that could appropriately describe that feeling. Maybe there is word for it in some other language, but English language lacks this word. A word that encompasses so many feelings and so many processes happening at the same time inside me.It was an audition just like every other.

Okay, maybe the theatre was bigger than any I have auditioned for before and the role was one of the leading roles, but it was nothing I haven’t done thousand times before. I stood in front of the director and the casting agent and I simply disappeared inside myself. That was the worst feeling ever. I felt my hands filling with sweat, I felt my heart pumping as if I was staring down the barrel of a gun, the sound was muffled and it seemed as if I am in some kind of a tunnel. I could hear what they asked from me, but I just couldn’t do what I wanted.

I wouldn’t wish that to happen to my worst enemy.
And the worst thing is that this happened at the next audition and the one after that. I realized that I have a bit of a problem and I asked my psychiatrist what was going on.

That is the first time I ever heard the expression panic attacks. I didn’t even know that there is something like that and that it can happen to anyone, anytime. I was relieved that it was nothing unusual, but I was still no closer to solving it. I tried with some relaxation techniques and stuff like that, but it simply didn’t work.

My psychiatrist then prescribed Ativan to me and I started taking it every time I go for an audition. The effects are just staggering. I feel as relaxed as when I was a little girl, acting in front of my family.

I have no issues with acting in front of the most demanding and the most nitpicky directors and I started getting bigger and bigger roles after each audition. And the funny thing is that I don’t need Ativan at all when I act in front of an audience. Only in auditions. I am lucky to have such a strong ally in Ativan.